DIY

A bit of do-it-yourself was required today after having become stuck in the dog flap.

Despite the obvious wood shrinkage that had occurred as a direct result of the recent bout of wet weather, I could see how my predicament might lead unfairly to further accusations of obesity.

My Owners were out, so I decided to undertake a few minor alterations myself.

A shaving here, some gnawing there and the opening was soon just about large enough for me to squeeze through.

I was standing back admiring my paw work when my Owners returned home.

They appeared to be less impressed and were quite curious regarding some of my bolder architectural choices.

This curiosity soon got the better of them:

 “Why are you wearing a dog flap and where the hell has the back door gone?”

They just didn't seem to grasp that removal of the door not only facilitated my comings and goings but also lent the kitchen a somewhat lighter and airier ambience.

They remain unconvinced.

The open door frame is still a bit of a scrape but I think my Owners are unlikely to agree to the additional removal of the adjacent wall.

Therefore, it can be a nice surprise.

De-pressed

Beagles have received a lot of mixed reviews in the press recently.

For example:

"Beagle owners ten times more likely to suffer depression."
"Man throws himself under train after owning Beagle for just three days."
"Suicide is painless when compared to owning a Beagle."

And don't even get me started on the bad reviews.

So, to redress the balance, I thought I'd start a list of life affirming, beagle positive statements:

Beagles are loyal.
Beagles are brave.
Beagles are cute.
Beagles are athletic.
Beagles are intelligent.

My Owners (and fellow Beagle fans) entered into the spirit of the exercise and insisted on making a few enhancements:

Beagles are loyal ...............  providing that there's nothing better on offer.
Beagles are brave .............. in their own mind. Completely cowardly everywhere else.
Beagles are cute..................until they wake up.
Beagles are athletic............. in their pursuit of any food stuff positioned out of reach.
Beagles are intelligent..........if intelligent means an innate ability to be bloody annoying.

So nice to have their support.

Essence of Beagle

I've got to the point where I have been without food for so long, that those bodily functions which I can normally take for granted, have begun to fail me.

I don't think I can carry on for much longer before my health will be seriously impacted.

I can tell that it must be serious as even my Owners have started to notice:

"Is it me or does it smell differently in here?"
"Yes, Jakey hasn't farted for ages. Must be related to his new diet."
"Great - We'll save a small fortune on scented candles."

My worst fears are confirmed - I'm losing my Beagleness.

Beagle Traits

I experienced a rather embarrassing episode yesterday.

It turns out that hunger can affect a Beagle in strange ways.

Slavering, excessive drooling and constant howling - these are all pretty much normal traits for a Beagle but yesterday, there was even more.

I wasn't just drooling - I was foaming at the mouth.

This was perhaps due to the bar of soap that I had just eaten but, I had been without food for 10 minutes and I was starting to panic. I had to take remedial action.

Combine this with the hallucinations after polishing off a whole packet of paracetamol, which was housed along with the soap in a bag at the back of the bathroom cupboard upstairs, and you could say that I was in quite a state.

Did I get any sympathy? Was I offered any treats to help cheer me up?

No, unbelievably, my Owners were actually really cross with me.

Well, if they are going to leave stuff just lying around, willy-nilly, at the back of half-open cupboards, sealed in a plastic bag, then what do they expect?

Feeling a bit peckish.

Well, they have only gone and done it.

I can't quite believe it.

My Owners have actually started me on a diet. I know what you're thinking - how ludicrous, right? If it wasn't so ridiculously unnecessary, it would be almost laughable.

Apparently, the final straw came after I tried to eat the bathroom scales. I was trying to hide any evidence and it just so happens that my stomach is my favourite hiding place.

Anyway, so far so good. Considering that this is probably the longest that I have ever gone without food, I think that I'm lasting pretty well. Although, I must admit that I am starting to feel slightly peckish now and my stomach is starting to rumble quite considerably but this is probably to be expected at this stage?

Don't they say the first three minutes of any diet is the hardest? So, only another 90 seconds to go and then it's all downhill.

Fat? Me? You must be mistaken.

My name is Jake and I'm proud to say that I'm a Beagle.

I still maintain that I’m not fat, I’m just a little bit too short for my weight. It’s a genetic issue; I should have been a Fox Hound.

You should take into consideration that I have two ridiculously large, albeit rather handsome ears, which must weigh several kilos all by themselves.

I am also blessed with something rather sizeable between my hind legs, if you know what I mean.

And no, it's not my butt as has just been suggested by the rather juvenile Jack Russell that's sat next to me. That's another thing, surely any dog would look massive when having to share a house with this diminutive runt?

However, despite the overwhelming body of evidence to the contrary, my Owners still believe that I'm overweight and require a diet.

According to them, the only evidence of an overwhelming body is my huge, fat stomach. 

That really hurt and was particularly disappointing as at the time, I had been holding my tummy in for three days after reading in an article that this helped to tighten the abdominal muscles, eventually resulting in a buff and toned physique. The Buff Beagle - I thought that had a nice ring to it.

Anyway, that’s obviously a load of baloney. I would write a strongly worded complaint to whoever wrote the article had I not eaten the entire magazine which contained the contact details. 

Hmm, did someone say baloney? Was it me? Oh, it doesn't matter who said it – it must be about time for a snack.