Fat? Me? You must be mistaken.

My name is Jake and I'm proud to say that I'm a Beagle.

I still maintain that I’m not fat, I’m just a little bit too short for my weight. It’s a genetic issue; I should have been a Fox Hound.

You should take into consideration that I have two ridiculously large, albeit rather handsome ears, which must weigh several kilos all by themselves.

I am also blessed with something rather sizeable between my hind legs, if you know what I mean.

And no, it's not my butt as has just been suggested by the rather juvenile Jack Russell that's sat next to me. That's another thing, surely any dog would look massive when having to share a house with this diminutive runt?

However, despite the overwhelming body of evidence to the contrary, my Owners still believe that I'm overweight and require a diet.

According to them, the only evidence of an overwhelming body is my huge, fat stomach. 

That really hurt and was particularly disappointing as at the time, I had been holding my tummy in for three days after reading in an article that this helped to tighten the abdominal muscles, eventually resulting in a buff and toned physique. The Buff Beagle - I thought that had a nice ring to it.

Anyway, that’s obviously a load of baloney. I would write a strongly worded complaint to whoever wrote the article had I not eaten the entire magazine which contained the contact details. 

Hmm, did someone say baloney? Was it me? Oh, it doesn't matter who said it – it must be about time for a snack.